Now What???

I finally realized my dreams and visited NYC. Since i left the US almost 10 years ago, i had vowed to come back and conquer Manhattan. It was a long, arduous journey but i managed to make it. as i walked on fifth avenue by myself listening to my carefully planned new york city album replete with Sinatra and Dean Martin, i thought to myself, now what? is this how shallow i was that for the last ten years all i wanted to do was to visit the city and imagine myself to be in 'Moonstruck'. while in my head, back home in Bombay, sitting on my couch and watching all the movies and staring wistfully outside the window, i was so enamored with the dream, the idea. when the idea became a reality, when actually at night, the streets are filled with huge, black garbage bags to be taken the next day, when the subways are transporting hostile people, i wonder how shallow my dream really was.

Now i have moved on to Paris. and i can actually imagine it already-me, with the song in my ipod, strolling down the Champs-Elysee in a chic outfit that i would have meticulously planned for years just for that moment. and the photo at the Eiffel tour and the feeling of absolute wonder at the Louvre. isn't it scary that i am able to actually feel the emotion before it has even taken place? and if thats the case, what is the real substance to my goals really?

maybe i am feeling this way because the harsh reality of going home to bombay has not hit me as yet. now i sit in my cozy room, with good weather and belt out my emotions at the type writer. i am willingly giving up on alot of luxuries as a result of my move to go back to bombay. but i am convinced somehow that this is the right move. i actually always somehow knew, come to think of it, from the moment i started math camp, that i would go back. maybe thats an exagerration, im not sure.

shreya called me and said that the transition sucks. i know it does, i still remember getting off the flight and going with my mom the next day to school. i walked in the rain in the most disgusting street then, Nester Compound road to school. i thought that i was sent to jail or something, and i thought i wouldn't make it. but i did, i survived and did pretty well under the circumstances. i never thought too much of myself from then, begrudging the fact that i would never win some great prize someday. but i have achieved something in my life, and if it is small, then so be it. i found out that chasing after the CV has not made anyone happy and i think so have my parents. the greatest joys in life are appreiciating it for what it is. i thought that i would achieve some sort of 'moksha' when i visited nyc, but i still came home and cried for hours to my mom and my sister. i dont have the answers, im only 24. but i think that going back is not a regression but i am moving forward.

i am going home.

A New Day

so i have a new day and a new life ahead of me. I am ehausted emotionally, the qualifier and the lack of correlation between effort and reward has definately taken a huge toll me on me. But i resolve to be better now and fight stronger. I cannot believe that this place can do all of that to you. I know that i am kind of cutting away from people this year, because i myself have become to used to being by myself, all that i need is the laptop and the internet and i am fine. i dont need anybody or anything else.

thats what people here do, they study by themselves, spend long hours alone and then they just have their laptop for compnay. the irony of this whole matter is that i am doing the exact same thing right now. man if someone were to come here and look at me right now, they would see a smartly dressed indian girl working on her laptop with a glass of water near her. this is what american is all about. i see her struggling to deal with it, and i know how she feels, infact i know exactly how she feels. i had so many expectations from certain people that never got met. and that makes me feel alot better now to deal with situations, because i just learnt that the minute you expect something from someone, you are invariably setting yourself up for hurt and disaster. what have i learnt over the past year and half. i grew up, i thought that i knew what it was like to be alone, but i didnt then, and i do now. i know what its like to expect things from people and i expect nothing from anyone. that way whatever i get is a bonus. its such a cynical way to look at things, but i think that its the only way to go over here and increasigly all over the world.

what can we do to stay sane? adapt. that is the human conditions, humans have always been adapting to the new enivironment, some people adapt better than others, but i think that ultimately that is the only thing that will keep us alive, and mentally healthy.

words of advice for my mental health, develop a healthy FUCK-YOU attitude.

that, my dear, is the way to go....

thank you!

i read about this concept of a gratitude journal. it basically says that at the end of the day, we should focus on what we have rather than what we don't have. so here are four things that i am grateful for today:

1) i am grateful for recognizing that i am still as intelligent as i was. i am not going to let one subject, let one exam define me
2) i am grateful for my mom. she is such an amazing person, i cant believe sometimes that she exists. imagine someone who will always be there for you no matter who you are and what you do
3) i am grateful for the advice that dad and S gives me. it feels good to be grounded to realize that maybe the joy in life lies in working hard and achieving something.
4) Guddu- my defibrillator:)

i think that the above list is amazing! i am so lucky....

confused

well, i woke up at 8 am. so thats good, but i woke up at 8 am to turn off the alarm and get back to sleep till 10 am. then i rolled around in bed in this state of limbo-neither asleep nor fully awake. i had strange dreams in which people in UNC and Xaviers were mixed up and i was very confused when i got up. i then had a conversation with sergey regarding my educational system. i was so sad after that.

he was telling me, and many others have told me before that they hate the people who just learn stuff before and exam and once the exam is over they forget it. i was exactly like that. i really had no idea what i was concretely studying for a good five years in the middle. i thought i was doing something really great when in actuality i was just like the rest of the herd. i even gave up the idea of learning in my masters as i wanted to learn international relations instead of economics.

so i have come here, come so far that despite the fact that either i chose such a shitty education or i was not given the opportunities, i am still here with my collegues who have had better educational systems than me. i am so surprised that not many americans study so much, they have no idea what i gold-mine of a system that they have. so is it too late for me with this exam? i think so, i cannot bridge the gap that i have in such a short space of time. i am trying, trying my level best to internalize everything, but every time i read micro, i just seem to forget it soon after. people might say i have not given it my best shot, but i have. i had been studying only micro practically during my semester and just to survive. i dont know what is worng with me and this subject. i guess everyone has their phobias, mine was marathi in school. now this...

i took a lovely walk today all the while listening to coldplay. chris martin says, " i was scared, i was scared, tired and underprepared..."

I wonder if i have crossed lines i shouldn't have crossed...

failure is the stepping stone to success

i woke up at noon. but i look at it as a significant achievement from waking up at 2pm as i used to do. i know my biggest problem now is going to sleep, no matter how tired i am i just cant seem to go to bed by the time that requires me to wake up at 7. ok lets see, i need 8 hours of sleep. 7 am means......11 pm! zikes! i know i can do Math, but that seems way to early for me. how can i get sleep at 11 pm? looking at the time now its 12:35. see if i study continuously, i mean with 5 minute breaks till 11 pm i probably can get tired enough. i guess thats it.

so i have auctions now to study, i will study continuously in batches of one hour each till 11 pm. maybe then i will feel tired and get the necessary sleep that i require to get to bed by 11 pm. lets hope that it works.

maybe i will be back in the day. i have to get to getting up at 7 am by the end of the month. i will do it even if its the last thing i do.

again i reaffirm that i will not be scared and afraid of anything today so badly that it paralyzes me and makes me doubt myself.

all is quiet on new years day....

so its new years, and i am going to start my resolutions today. the biggest thing that i did was wake up at 9 am. thats good. considering i was always used to waking up at 2 pm and sleeping at 4 am. how can anyone pretend to be productive like that. i think that this whole owl, night person thingy was fun for a while. but i cannot sustain this owl habit any longer. i am thinking about when i have a family. of course, realistically i cannot wake up so early by 6: 30 am so soon, but i think that is going to be my goal.

my goal now for the month of january 2009, is no matter what i am going to wake up by 8 am and do yoga or take a walk weather permitting for half and hr. my cardio plan may have to wait till Feb. i guess what i need is some dopamime in m brain to kick in and reward it for something. getting up every day early is something i am looking forward to.

i will give myself concessions for only days on which i have drank something the previous day.

also i need to cut back on my coke intake and negativity. so everday i am going to tell myself that " shaila, today i will not be afraid fo what i am going to face. because everything that will happen to me, good or bad, will help me grow."

my resolution is not to be so lethargic as i was last year. i was so lethargic.

its well now 11:02 am, i have woken up and in the last two hours i have:
a) had a shower and wore some nice clean clothes
b) cleaned the bathroom and vacuumed stuff that i had been meaning to do for a while now
c) do the dishes and clean the gas top
d) ate breakfast ( a huge deal for me)

i am feeling great and so less lethargic already! imagine if i had gone for a walk. that would mean waking up at 8 am and going for a walk for an hour. its too cold now, but i will consider going for a walk at 4pm.

what are my goals today? wow i cant believe that i will be writing this every morning. yes, tomoroww morning you will come back to this blog and review your goals. but you should not write anither word today as it is just an excuse to waste time.

my goals today are:
a) not to waste time on the internet
b) study lotteries and finish as many problems from chap 6 as i can in MWG
c) take a walk at 4pm for some time and leave phone behind
d) not be negative and scared about things in life

i think the last one is very important. it is just holding me back so much.

tomorrow i want to write about how i actually feel about all these things.

i know that i have become one of those annoying people who want to make every single thing into an event. but when lethargy takes over you and turns you into something so lazy and tired all the time, you know something is wrong. i have to start off on so many things this year, like cooking, my diet, health, excercise, etc. but i need to first achieve something, one thing even, which is waking up everyday at 8 am. if i achieve that, then i will move on to other things. waking up at 8 am is my # 1 priority for the month of Jan.

see you tom morning!

New Years Resolutions

i called my dad and told him that i was making my new years resolutions. the clock had just struck 12. he told me that resolutions are made to be broken. but is that really true? i was reading an article recently on msn that said that most people fail at keeping up with them because the immune system of their psychology kicks in and starts to protect them from anything that could emotionally hurt them.

my new years resolutions are as follows:

1) wake up every morning at 6: 30 am and sleep by 11 pm.
2) write on my blog every morning to track my progress
3) get some excercise, take a walk on bolin creek every morning

i have tried to do this many times, but i am just sick of the lethargy that i feel constantly.

i need a dramatic change in life-style and self-discipline.

see you tom morning!

Finding a balance

i remember one of the famous quotes of Ally Mcbeal:

so here i am, the victim of my own choices..and i haven't even begun as yet.

something like that.

i had written in a previous blog about how listening to classic rock made me so sad. right now i am listening to 'so far away' by dire straits. i feel such a mixed feeling listening to this song. i can see anil, kavi and guddu across from me, we are drinking beer and i am singing along with the song. we talk about many things. i guess you know that you are having a great time when you don't reminince. instead you are creating memories that you will reminice about. good times dont last forever, thats what makes it special.

other moments in life, on the other hand, are disappointingly mundane. i get up every morning, i teach once a week and i sleep alot on the weekends. i dont know, when im gone, what will be left of me in this world. what is life, its routine. i have always been trying to fight routine, but i think and i am only now beginning to realize that maybe the answer to happiness in life lies in routine. it probably lies in finding something in life that you love, and devoting yourself to it.

i dont love economics, i just am good at it. i am confident that i have not yet found out what i love as yet. it cant be a person, because in todays world it is impossible to base your happiness totally on someone. i am not being cynical, just realistic. after the glasses are taken off, you get back to "reality".

but now since i am on this never-ending path to personal grwoth, i want to make sure that every moment in my life is real. there is no unreal moment in my life, and there are good times in life and bad times. i tend to think that life can either be disastrous or fabulous.

veering between these two extremes has been taking a huge toll on me. now i am reaching a stage of self-awareness, in that i realize that i cannot sustain my mental health in this manner. i have to strive to find a midway between these two emotions and stabilize myself. because the euphoria of the good times cannot compensate the sadness that engulfs during the bad...

right now, i am wide awake and come to think of it, i find myself in the same state of mind, that i usually have been finding myself in for as long as i can remember. sitting in my couch in the hall, watching tv, watching music videos, and dreaming away of a life, far away, dreaming about actually, ironically being at this very spot i am right now, writing this blog, in beautiful free amercia with green grass, blue skies and smart winter clothes. but i still find myself, at 3 am, alone with my insipid thoughts.

alone, not lonely. i am glad that i FINALLY got that right.

what are our emotional foundations? are mine strong? what will i do when my child gets a fever? crumble?

shaila: you must have strong emotional foundations that cannot be based on a career, money, and especially not on any one person. take any of the above, as can easily be done, and what are you left with. yourself. funny, social, annoying, worried, scatter-brain shaila:)