bugger off

thats what i would like to tell most of the riff-raff around. and if for some reason ( and i know no one reads my blog) u are reading this, i hope you r wise enough not to get offended and know which category of people you fall under. i mean its just so bloody pissing off, people just cant seem to get the message that u dont wanna talk to them. i am such a big bitch and i am so openly disinterested and and ...rude..just plain rude. rude to the extent that i would be very very desperate to still call the other person and talk to them after such open display of rudeness. i dont take the conversation to more than i think even 1 minute and for these particular 2, thats more than enough. i mean now its come to a stage where i am gonna stop hinting and just say stop! stop calling me, stop bugging me and stop thinking that you are still a part of my life somehow. the funny thing is that they never had any role to play before so why now. the people who im talking bout, they dont know me at all, they dont really have any idea who i really am and they dont connect at all with my intellectual side. and yes i made mistakes before, but like one of my good friend's have pointed out, i am a very bad judge of men! so K and A, if ur reading this, i am sorry...but bugger off!!!!!

am just so bloody nervous for my exams and there comes a stage in your life where the stakes are so high, that nothing else matters now. even though this mild stalking has been getting on my nerves, i just look at it as a mild irritance, but the bigger picture is strangling me! but u know, now i seem to have done so much that i can pretty much relax now. somehow in jan and feb, i brought the portion home. and am feeling so relieved! that feeling of doom and anxiety have now given away to impatience. now i just want to study for the exams and get it over and done with. and then have some fun studying for my french exams. gosh i would have given a gazillion exams before i would have left for the US.

i know its all worth it and for the first time in a long time, i have started once again in liking the journey. i know that its what ultimately counts and frankly seeing Loic yesterday instead of Nicholas was a welcome relief! even though both of them look like they just rolled outta bed and put on whatever they could find and come to class. i mean like they think that they can just come here and not really care what they wear. surprisingly women are not like that. i have noticed this that women the world over are dressed very well. and the women in alliance have started wearing alot of cool chic kurtas and oshos and this new hip indo-western style. not that i expect either of these two to wear ne kurtas but maybe we shall all collectively gift them an iron and say that ' yeah! India is messy and filthy and dirty and it stinks and blah blah blah! bottomline is that - we dont! we still go home and use peppermint foot scrub and scrub our feet till it hurts to get rid of all the dirt. we still use the best face scrubs to get rid of grime and dust. and yes we take great efforts to look and feel clean and rise above the environment outside. so even though its not as clean as france, we still dont look like we need to have a bath. its disrespectful for you to come to class like that.'

and these two, am sure that have left girl friends/lovers/ boy friends ( maybe!) and come here. alot of people have left alot of places and come to Bombay for some odd reason. living here, i cant fathom how difficult it must actually be. and so lonely, so bloody lonely. but i cant help them all. my dear dear reto, i tried to help him, but his sense of alienation in this city was just completely out of my reach. even if was older i wouldnt be able to help him out. and i suspect and fear that one day i would be in that position finding myself alone and expect someone to help me out. but what if all my hopes are shattered. what if once again, like now when i am terrribly lonely and miserable and there is no one to come to my aid. no one to talk to and no one to break the monotony. if it wasnt for rito and shreya, i would have gone completely insane by now. but how can i help someone else now who is lonely and miserable when i cant help myself. but im thinking when im alone somewhere, what if no one helps me then or says like i am saying now...that they simply dont have the emotional capabilities of helping someone else out.

i am so sorry to this one particular person, but mostly after my part 1, i will be proactive and be more friendly with this particular person. i feel bad that he is alone in this city and i wish i could help him out more, but truly truly my emotions are drained. i have just had one of the worst years of my life with one diappointment pilling up on the other. slowly but surely with french and eco, i am trying to salvage my life and confidence back. and its taking time, its taking alot of time. i hope that this person understands, and i hope that ...selfishly when i am alone, i hope to make friends as well and not be emotionally shunted out by my peers. i know i am selfish, i am weak, and i probably dont deserve neone's sympathy when i am finally alone. i guess only time will tell.