just finished seeing rang de basanti, and conflicted and confonded is not the word. it just is making me feel even more guilty. and i know that i will be reading this when i am depressed and lonely some weekend in the US, but why exactly am i going? what am i escaping or thather what am i running towards? alot of people have told me that i am up for a huge and big and catastrophic disappointment. i know that i wont solve all my problems when i go there, maybe ill end up with a few more. and honestly, there is nothing materialistically lacking in India. we have everything that i could want... i mean yeah i want an 'athlete' tshirt and go for their concert, but life is tuff...get over it. and rito also told me to stop cribbing and i think i need to.

still still still.....my heart is empty. i have all the love and support i could possibly need, and i dont feel the loss of someone. do i wish someone special was there in my life right now? frankly no. am too disallusioned with the whole experience that am just not wanting to dwell on it nemore. but then i know someone is not missing in my life. but something definately is. and i guess its a good education, a life on my own, a chance to see if i would survive in the real world. so many things i want. i want to struggle and buy my own car, rent my own appartment and most importantly conduct my own research with a good professor who knows that i am a motivated student.

thats all my heart desires. i know its a lot and it has nothing to do with my love for home. the way i see u can take me out of bombay but u cant take the bombay out of me. I WILL ALWAYS BE AN INDIAN NO MATTER WHAT! and the fact is that i am scared of losing myself there. i dont think i will if i stay grounded. and the truth of the matter is that i havent even took off yet, so all this speculation will not help. i need to focus on now!

i just hate now tho....

i just am so bloody bored with my life and with the people im meeting-barring a coupla people who have been my guradian angels without which i would have killed myself, i am jus so lost. and this is precisely why i wanted to go to JNU. life is unfair and i think that the unfairness of it all can really kill one's spirit. and somehow i have had the courage to move on and get going with my life instead of giving up. i am definately not giving up. esp since i found out that i can easliy pass the microeconomics paper ( yippee!!! seriously) its all about the journey i know. but i can safeky say that the journey sucks. and the lesson that i am going to learn from all of this is that humans are deasigned to endure horrible ordeals-mental as well as physical. one can never say that someones ordeal is worse than the other. whatever it is, i am going through turmoil and agony and depression. and i have to wake up everymorining and think-somehow i have to make it thru the day, somehow i have to make my life work. i cant afford to give up. but its very hard and the road ahead is very very long. its amazing how the US looked closer last year than it does now. and then the startling realisation that its not aug 2007 that counts, its now. now. now. now.

no matter how sad i feel now, i have to get up every morning and get the job done, there will be light at the end of the tunnel. i need to somehow navigate in the dark for a while before i get what i want. and it will definatly be amazing is what i want is right under my nose here in this dusty slum infested filthy lovely city that i call home.

fate .....surprise me....