small life

i used to think that i had a really great life. i had so many friends and whether they were fake or not really never did matter. i used to go out alot and meet new people every week. college was also fun and had random crushes on many cute boys. basically it was the fun-filled life of every normal college going kid in bombay who lived with their folks and at the same time had the freedom to go out with friends, unlike other college students in other towns who have to go to hostel to truly appreciate the guilty pleasures of fun when your 18.

im 21. and its all gone. i was up last night till 4 am watching CSI: Miami when i realised that my life was the pitts. i hated my hobby, my one true passion-french. i knew that applying for that trip to france was useless. i mean with all the shit happening in my life and the way luck was shaping up, i would have never gotten in. i have even lost my french tongue and i dont feel bad. i know that the last 10 days, ill drive the exam home with what else-hard work and determination. i think i do alotta dumb hard work and have alotta dumb determination. my dad was so disappointed but he doesnt understand. i cant take another failure in my life right now. i just cant. i cant believe that i am still insecure and i hope and pray to god that this will pass. i am utterly convinced that this will pass only when i leave.

confidence flew out of my body like a spirit of a dead man that day. its dramatic but typical reaction of broken dreams. i cant bring myself to even mail R nemore. and i have cut off communication from most people. i cannot really explain where this sense of lethargy is comming from. its definately not depression. its something nagging me at the back of my head, like an itch that i cannot scratch. how to get closure from JNU. how?

i will only get it step by step. each step is miserably painful. once someone had told me that if you really love someone and they leave you, you feel physical pain. when reto left yeah, i did feel physical pain because somewhere down the line, i truly fell in love with him. now, in my heart the sense of hopelessness that i feel....right in my heart, i feel desperation, i feel dispair-physical pain. and this sense of doom felt awful. i already imagined myself middle-aged, reading some book before going to bed to forget what a most boring life i lead. i was so vivacious. its just depleting slowly from my system. and all around me, its very dismal.

please show me the silver linning.....someone or something...some sign....