Not scoring "brownie" points

hmmm....tremendous sense of relief i feel now after giving my gre and toefl. i dont know if neone has neidea how tough giving these two exams are...tho the toefl is easy, being tied to a chair for 4 hrs is not my cup of tea. and the mere ceremony and formality of it all is finally over! and now i am sorta free! but going thru the whole process of apps is still left. but i have to now enjoy this year.

also smthing new is that i am on a tight budget. and i was short of cash and literally from the heavens, my cousin pavi, sent me money...i think she must have seen me go to the church on tuesday at Stanisclaus, Bandra. i resolve to go to that church more often. i wish that siddhivinayak was not so crowded. in these times of uncertainty in my life, these places of worship are seen as such a refuge for me. i wish i could go to sm lonely country-side and reflect, but in bom, rubbing shoulders with 15 million ppl aint cutting it. and so i went to the Sundernagar temple for a while and that was nice. now its good to go to this church. the sense of serenity and calmness that ehcoes from the walls is smthing that i need. and its not bout which god that u pray to that matters. i guess i felt this sense of gulit ...like i was being unfaithful to my beloved Tirupathi Balaji, but the more i get older, the more i relaize that its all the same.

and smhow, spirituality didnt seem to cut it. i remember watching the bizzare video of Martymandir, Aurovilee and thinking to myself..what baloney. and seriously, i mean i guess i am a religious person, because i acknowledge that not everything is in my hands and spirituality seems to suggest. and the best part is..i get to drink coke!!!

i was in the bus the other day ( man i take the bus now!), and thinking bout how patriotic i feel when i listen to "rang de basanti" and i started missing India like nething already. i was very apprehensive at the sense of insecurity that a brown person now has to face in the world. but i keep remembering the quality of eductaion that i am recieving here...and i quickly begin to relaize that it is a price worth paying for my dreams and aspirations...guiding some countries ( not mine..cuz my natiion is filled with pompous economists from delhi who wont give me the time of day...unless i knew smone who knew smone who mite be vaguly related to the janitor of the prime miniters driver...you get it)

so well, pompous economists, bad undergrad eco syllabus for bom univ, no Ir due to reservation and scrwe up in international relations paper, non-recognition of my drive and enthusiasm...

i need to leave...if i stay here in this system ne longer, my brain will rot...

bring on the racism....its the price i have to pay for being unwanted in my own country.