the pursuit of happiness

it was the second day in a row, and i was not planning on getting out of bed again. i couldn't face the world again, and the gazillion disappointments that faced me. i got up yest at 5 pm, and then was awake till 9 am. i don't know what kind of sleep schedule that is. i also found out i lost 5 pounds and that i look visibly think from a month ago! if you compare my NC state ID, i look fat in that.

its all coming back to me again. and i know i am going to blank out again in the quals. i had heart-attacks and barely managed to get through each midterm. now i have to combine 8 midterms and four finals in two exams. there are many days in which i was like fuck-it, i dont care, many days i studied and did care. but i am emotionally exhausted from last year. my friend tells me that my whole approach last year was very unhealthy, and that might explain my burnout+lack of interest.

many people tell me, ill regret this, the work place sucks blah blah. hahaha i met a friend who told me, ohh the work place sucks, people get fired, and you have to work everyday and do the same thing everyday blah blah.

haha

tell that to 7 people who got kicked out, the 14 weekends in a row that i studied, in addition to weekdays and actually once, bef an exam, i imagined tasting blood! some people tell me that life is tough, get over it. i had a wise person tell me that the same things happen to the same people but affect them differently. people have been preachy to a point where they know exactly whats good for me and what makes me happy. its annoying. at the end of the day, only I will know what makes me happy. sometimes, no matter how good people think you have it, it may be the worst thing for you.

so today i am going to list things that made me feel happy.

1. viets video, it made me happy, it didnt make me sad, cuz i felt that life is much bigger than what people around me have reduced it to.

2. the ye ishq song from jab we met. lovely

3. walking by myself everyday at Bolin Creek and listening to the Amelie soundtrack

(notice no groundbreaking understanding of Fischer's equation or determining Nash's equilibrium)

4. realizing that my life's purpose is not to be a caged animal but to be a free bird. that is not physically, but psychologically. a friend of mine told me, that i could leave anytime i wanted to. and that fact itself made me feel so much better. its strange.

i will get back to the happiness entry.

check out http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2007/02/in_which_i_lear.html

i loved it. once i learn how to add blogs that i read, i will stick it on the side.

so to the void, i shout out....im not there yet, but im getting there.....i will get there...i should get there, not anytime soon, though...you get the drift:)