sleep rehab

i fell of the wagon- i got up late today:( i got up at 11:30 but i dont know why? i slept at about 1 am and if i needed 8 hours of sleep, i should have gotten up at 9 am. why the extra two hours? good thing is that i am not feeling lethargic, but i am actually feeling fresh. once i go for a walk, after some time i will feel alot better.

everyone knows whats best for me. they analyze the reasons of why i dont want to do the Phd. they all think that i am smart enough, that anyone for that matter of fact is smart enough to do it, but its only about drive and enthusiasm and blah blah. everyone is psycho-analyzing me and it gets on my nerves. now everyone will say that i could have done it if i only tried. but what if i dont want this in the first place? then they say when you go out and see the job market, it sucks there as well. so your better off here, in grad school hell, feeling like a schmuck, and making a fool of yourselves on a daily basis.

i hate this life, i want to go out there, meet different kinds of people, enjoy life, enjoy nature and generally go out on friday nites, have some drinks. shallow right? as opposed to sticking in this hell hole, coming up with some brilliant research no one will read, getting a job in america and driving to walmart every week to buy groceries...scintillating.

i am lonely, thats the honest to god truth. i am going through life without any solid aim. the only people who really give a flying fuck about my existence on this planet are my family and some few precious friends. hmm...maybe one or two. but thats a good thing. some people dont even have that. is this again me rambling on about getting a bf? not really, but i need a companion. someone who i can talk to everyday about my inane notions of life, someone who can go with me once in a while to Franklin street and have some ben and jerrys ice cream with, someone who i can lean on and say, oh my god, i have had the most terrible day. i think i have become like the typical phd people, isolationist, anti-social and it scares the freakin day-lights out of me.

im confused, everyone seems to be telling me what to do, and what to think, and what to feel. analyzing my emotional state of mind. also i dont seem to be in anyones core group here. i feel like an apendix, just floating into other peoples friends and other peoples lives. i miss my core, you know, friends that i can call my own, that i have every right to be myself with and not apologize for who i am.

i hate UNC, i hated bom univ and i hated AIMS. i only loved xavier's. i think i have to look deeply into this matter..maybe i just loathe myself. i dunnooo..

i will still battle on to wake up early, i think that 7 is too ambitious. after all, waking up at 11:30 was not so bad as waking up at 1 pm. so tom, i will set a realistic target of waking up at 8 am.
lets see how that goes.

ill get back to this blog soon...