When you fail, read this.....

hey shaila,

this is a letter to you. yes, you have studied hard for the macro qualifier. you actually did the best that you could do under the circumstances. considering that you had initially not intended to come back to chapel hill and finish the course, is an achievement in itself. yes you started late, and totally hated everything. once again, you were alone, in an apartment, in a lonely country and you used to spend hours with yourself, contemplating if this is the life that you really want.

at the end of the day, it is the fear of failure that drives you to make excuses for yourself. that prevents me from till today accepting that i wanted to do the phd and write a fantastic macro dissertation on endogenous growth theory. and i was so blinded by the goal that i forgot to enjoy the ride.

what about this ride that i keep talking about? its the ride of life, its not where you get, but how you get there. we are all going to the same place essentially-death. at the end of the day, we are all going to die and thats that. i am not thinking about death, but just about the important lessons in life. how did i live? did i give up too easily, did i try to always put myself in a comfortable position so that i would never face failure ever?

yes, and i stopped it. in fact the last one year has seen me grow in leaps and bounds. there were many times that i wanted to give up, and i actually have been quite depressed about it and in a quandary. am i genuinely unhappy in this place? or is it that i am out of my comfort zone and that is why i am unhappy. i left india to get a good education, and that is exactly what i have got. yes, i prob didn't choose the easiest paths to achieve it, but i did it nonetheless. look at the things that i can do now, the things that i know. a year ago, i would have never imagined that i would able to do it, but here i am. and i am proud of it. what will change between today and tomorrow, probably nothing.

i may completely screw up the exam by getting stuck and taking too much time on one question, then come back home, and think clearly and go.."shit i knew that!"

i may come back totally disappointed because i thought i knew my stuff...and i am really way behind what this place expects from me. and i would have done badly.

i may be estatic that i have done exceptionally well, only to realize that i have failed after one week. remember, in this case i deserve a mourning period for sure.

either way, whatever the outcome, whether its nerves or something else, be happy that you did your best. there is nothing more in macro that you could have done. and that at the end of the day is what counts. pray to balaji, he has a plan for you.

yes its the first time that you have failed at something, and it has come late. i wish i had failed at something before to prepare me for it. but the good thing is, after tasting failure now, you will know what it feels like. remember JNU? that not working out turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to you.

chin up shaila, face the world and know that you did your best. and if it doesn't work out, you should cry, and you should be upset. for a few days, then get back on your feet. because that is life.. it keeps rolling on......