moonlight drive

Now What???

2009-06-04T22:00:00.003-04:00

I finally realized my dreams and visited NYC. Since i left the US almost 10 years ago, i had vowed to come back and conquer Manhattan. It was a long, arduous journey but i managed to make it. as i walked on fifth avenue by myself listening to my carefully planned new york city album replete with Sinatra and Dean Martin, i thought to myself, now what? is this how shallow i was that for the last ten years all i wanted to do was to visit the city and imagine myself to be in 'Moonstruck'. while in my head, back home in Bombay, sitting on my couch and watching all the movies and staring wistfully outside the window, i was so enamored with the dream, the idea. when the idea became a reality, when actually at night, the streets are filled with huge, black garbage bags to be taken the next day, when the subways are transporting hostile people, i wonder how shallow my dream really was.

Now i have moved on to Paris. and i can actually imagine it already-me, with the song in my ipod, strolling down the Champs-Elysee in a chic outfit that i would have meticulously planned for years just for that moment. and the photo at the Eiffel tour and the feeling of absolute wonder at the Louvre. isn't it scary that i am able to actually feel the emotion before it has even taken place? and if thats the case, what is the real substance to my goals really?

maybe i am feeling this way because the harsh reality of going home to bombay has not hit me as yet. now i sit in my cozy room, with good weather and belt out my emotions at the type writer. i am willingly giving up on alot of luxuries as a result of my move to go back to bombay. but i am convinced somehow that this is the right move. i actually always somehow knew, come to think of it, from the moment i started math camp, that i would go back. maybe thats an exagerration, im not sure.

shreya called me and said that the transition sucks. i know it does, i still remember getting off the flight and going with my mom the next day to school. i walked in the rain in the most disgusting street then, Nester Compound road to school. i thought that i was sent to jail or something, and i thought i wouldn't make it. but i did, i survived and did pretty well under the circumstances. i never thought too much of myself from then, begrudging the fact that i would never win some great prize someday. but i have achieved something in my life, and if it is small, then so be it. i found out that chasing after the CV has not made anyone happy and i think so have my parents. the greatest joys in life are appreiciating it for what it is. i thought that i would achieve some sort of 'moksha' when i visited nyc, but i still came home and cried for hours to my mom and my sister. i dont have the answers, im only 24. but i think that going back is not a regression but i am moving forward.

i am going home.

A New Day

2009-01-11T14:07:00.002-05:00

so i have a new day and a new life ahead of me. I am ehausted emotionally, the qualifier and the lack of correlation between effort and reward has definately taken a huge toll me on me. But i resolve to be better now and fight stronger. I cannot believe that this place can do all of that to you. I know that i am kind of cutting away from people this year, because i myself have become to used to being by myself, all that i need is the laptop and the internet and i am fine. i dont need anybody or anything else.

thats what people here do, they study by themselves, spend long hours alone and then they just have their laptop for compnay. the irony of this whole matter is that i am doing the exact same thing right now. man if someone were to come here and look at me right now, they would see a smartly dressed indian girl working on her laptop with a glass of water near her. this is what american is all about. i see her struggling to deal with it, and i know how she feels, infact i know exactly how she feels. i had so many expectations from certain people that never got met. and that makes me feel alot better now to deal with situations, because i just learnt that the minute you expect something from someone, you are invariably setting yourself up for hurt and disaster. what have i learnt over the past year and half. i grew up, i thought that i knew what it was like to be alone, but i didnt then, and i do now. i know what its like to expect things from people and i expect nothing from anyone. that way whatever i get is a bonus. its such a cynical way to look at things, but i think that its the only way to go over here and increasigly all over the world.

what can we do to stay sane? adapt. that is the human conditions, humans have always been adapting to the new enivironment, some people adapt better than others, but i think that ultimately that is the only thing that will keep us alive, and mentally healthy.

words of advice for my mental health, develop a healthy FUCK-YOU attitude.

that, my dear, is the way to go....

thank you!

2009-01-07T22:11:00.002-05:00

i read about this concept of a gratitude journal. it basically says that at the end of the day, we should focus on what we have rather than what we don't have. so here are four things that i am grateful for today:

1) i am grateful for recognizing that i am still as intelligent as i was. i am not going to let one subject, let one exam define me
2) i am grateful for my mom. she is such an amazing person, i cant believe sometimes that she exists. imagine someone who will always be there for you no matter who you are and what you do
3) i am grateful for the advice that dad and S gives me. it feels good to be grounded to realize that maybe the joy in life lies in working hard and achieving something.
4) Guddu- my defibrillator:)

i think that the above list is amazing! i am so lucky....

confused

2009-01-03T13:47:00.003-05:00

well, i woke up at 8 am. so thats good, but i woke up at 8 am to turn off the alarm and get back to sleep till 10 am. then i rolled around in bed in this state of limbo-neither asleep nor fully awake. i had strange dreams in which people in UNC and Xaviers were mixed up and i was very confused when i got up. i then had a conversation with sergey regarding my educational system. i was so sad after that.

he was telling me, and many others have told me before that they hate the people who just learn stuff before and exam and once the exam is over they forget it. i was exactly like that. i really had no idea what i was concretely studying for a good five years in the middle. i thought i was doing something really great when in actuality i was just like the rest of the herd. i even gave up the idea of learning in my masters as i wanted to learn international relations instead of economics.

so i have come here, come so far that despite the fact that either i chose such a shitty education or i was not given the opportunities, i am still here with my collegues who have had better educational systems than me. i am so surprised that not many americans study so much, they have no idea what i gold-mine of a system that they have. so is it too late for me with this exam? i think so, i cannot bridge the gap that i have in such a short space of time. i am trying, trying my level best to internalize everything, but every time i read micro, i just seem to forget it soon after. people might say i have not given it my best shot, but i have. i had been studying only micro practically during my semester and just to survive. i dont know what is worng with me and this subject. i guess everyone has their phobias, mine was marathi in school. now this...

i took a lovely walk today all the while listening to coldplay. chris martin says, " i was scared, i was scared, tired and underprepared..."

I wonder if i have crossed lines i shouldn't have crossed...

failure is the stepping stone to success

2009-01-02T12:33:00.003-05:00

i woke up at noon. but i look at it as a significant achievement from waking up at 2pm as i used to do. i know my biggest problem now is going to sleep, no matter how tired i am i just cant seem to go to bed by the time that requires me to wake up at 7. ok lets see, i need 8 hours of sleep. 7 am means......11 pm! zikes! i know i can do Math, but that seems way to early for me. how can i get sleep at 11 pm? looking at the time now its 12:35. see if i study continuously, i mean with 5 minute breaks till 11 pm i probably can get tired enough. i guess thats it.

so i have auctions now to study, i will study continuously in batches of one hour each till 11 pm. maybe then i will feel tired and get the necessary sleep that i require to get to bed by 11 pm. lets hope that it works.

maybe i will be back in the day. i have to get to getting up at 7 am by the end of the month. i will do it even if its the last thing i do.

again i reaffirm that i will not be scared and afraid of anything today so badly that it paralyzes me and makes me doubt myself.

all is quiet on new years day....

2009-01-01T09:15:00.002-05:00

so its new years, and i am going to start my resolutions today. the biggest thing that i did was wake up at 9 am. thats good. considering i was always used to waking up at 2 pm and sleeping at 4 am. how can anyone pretend to be productive like that. i think that this whole owl, night person thingy was fun for a while. but i cannot sustain this owl habit any longer. i am thinking about when i have a family. of course, realistically i cannot wake up so early by 6: 30 am so soon, but i think that is going to be my goal.

my goal now for the month of january 2009, is no matter what i am going to wake up by 8 am and do yoga or take a walk weather permitting for half and hr. my cardio plan may have to wait till Feb. i guess what i need is some dopamime in m brain to kick in and reward it for something. getting up every day early is something i am looking forward to.

i will give myself concessions for only days on which i have drank something the previous day.

also i need to cut back on my coke intake and negativity. so everday i am going to tell myself that " shaila, today i will not be afraid fo what i am going to face. because everything that will happen to me, good or bad, will help me grow."

my resolution is not to be so lethargic as i was last year. i was so lethargic.

its well now 11:02 am, i have woken up and in the last two hours i have:
a) had a shower and wore some nice clean clothes
b) cleaned the bathroom and vacuumed stuff that i had been meaning to do for a while now
c) do the dishes and clean the gas top
d) ate breakfast ( a huge deal for me)

i am feeling great and so less lethargic already! imagine if i had gone for a walk. that would mean waking up at 8 am and going for a walk for an hour. its too cold now, but i will consider going for a walk at 4pm.

what are my goals today? wow i cant believe that i will be writing this every morning. yes, tomoroww morning you will come back to this blog and review your goals. but you should not write anither word today as it is just an excuse to waste time.

my goals today are:
a) not to waste time on the internet
b) study lotteries and finish as many problems from chap 6 as i can in MWG
c) take a walk at 4pm for some time and leave phone behind
d) not be negative and scared about things in life

i think the last one is very important. it is just holding me back so much.

tomorrow i want to write about how i actually feel about all these things.

i know that i have become one of those annoying people who want to make every single thing into an event. but when lethargy takes over you and turns you into something so lazy and tired all the time, you know something is wrong. i have to start off on so many things this year, like cooking, my diet, health, excercise, etc. but i need to first achieve something, one thing even, which is waking up everyday at 8 am. if i achieve that, then i will move on to other things. waking up at 8 am is my # 1 priority for the month of Jan.

see you tom morning!

New Years Resolutions

2009-01-01T00:53:00.002-05:00

i called my dad and told him that i was making my new years resolutions. the clock had just struck 12. he told me that resolutions are made to be broken. but is that really true? i was reading an article recently on msn that said that most people fail at keeping up with them because the immune system of their psychology kicks in and starts to protect them from anything that could emotionally hurt them.

my new years resolutions are as follows:

1) wake up every morning at 6: 30 am and sleep by 11 pm.
2) write on my blog every morning to track my progress
3) get some excercise, take a walk on bolin creek every morning

i have tried to do this many times, but i am just sick of the lethargy that i feel constantly.

i need a dramatic change in life-style and self-discipline.

see you tom morning!

Finding a balance

2008-11-14T02:44:00.003-05:00

i remember one of the famous quotes of Ally Mcbeal:

so here i am, the victim of my own choices..and i haven't even begun as yet.

something like that.

i had written in a previous blog about how listening to classic rock made me so sad. right now i am listening to 'so far away' by dire straits. i feel such a mixed feeling listening to this song. i can see anil, kavi and guddu across from me, we are drinking beer and i am singing along with the song. we talk about many things. i guess you know that you are having a great time when you don't reminince. instead you are creating memories that you will reminice about. good times dont last forever, thats what makes it special.

other moments in life, on the other hand, are disappointingly mundane. i get up every morning, i teach once a week and i sleep alot on the weekends. i dont know, when im gone, what will be left of me in this world. what is life, its routine. i have always been trying to fight routine, but i think and i am only now beginning to realize that maybe the answer to happiness in life lies in routine. it probably lies in finding something in life that you love, and devoting yourself to it.

i dont love economics, i just am good at it. i am confident that i have not yet found out what i love as yet. it cant be a person, because in todays world it is impossible to base your happiness totally on someone. i am not being cynical, just realistic. after the glasses are taken off, you get back to "reality".

but now since i am on this never-ending path to personal grwoth, i want to make sure that every moment in my life is real. there is no unreal moment in my life, and there are good times in life and bad times. i tend to think that life can either be disastrous or fabulous.

veering between these two extremes has been taking a huge toll on me. now i am reaching a stage of self-awareness, in that i realize that i cannot sustain my mental health in this manner. i have to strive to find a midway between these two emotions and stabilize myself. because the euphoria of the good times cannot compensate the sadness that engulfs during the bad...

right now, i am wide awake and come to think of it, i find myself in the same state of mind, that i usually have been finding myself in for as long as i can remember. sitting in my couch in the hall, watching tv, watching music videos, and dreaming away of a life, far away, dreaming about actually, ironically being at this very spot i am right now, writing this blog, in beautiful free amercia with green grass, blue skies and smart winter clothes. but i still find myself, at 3 am, alone with my insipid thoughts.

alone, not lonely. i am glad that i FINALLY got that right.

what are our emotional foundations? are mine strong? what will i do when my child gets a fever? crumble?

shaila: you must have strong emotional foundations that cannot be based on a career, money, and especially not on any one person. take any of the above, as can easily be done, and what are you left with. yourself. funny, social, annoying, worried, scatter-brain shaila:)

no, je ne regrette rien

2008-09-06T02:03:00.002-04:00

I passed the macro qualifier. i wonder if there was a way i could go back to the summer and tell myself that i would and could do it.

what an achievement, so many tears and doubts and fears. i am on the other side, and i don't know how to feel. i feel happy in a long time. but i am wondering if thats where i should base my happiness-on academic achievement.

i have been feeling so bored the last few weeks. actually in the last few months, since May, i have been healing and recovering from the last one year-such a traumatic year that i had. personal and professional roller coaster.

but i would not have it any other way. now come to think of it. and there are many times where i sit down and feel-like tonight, that i have made a complete and utter mess of my personal life at the expense of my personal life. that i cannot have one without the other. but you know, while life is about sharing it with someone, you got to like that part of yourself that you are sharing. there are many people who will regret not working hard enough for a relationship because they had to do something, be somewhere, become someone. i think that if you just be with the other person blindly without thinking about your own personal growth, then you will land up very unfulfilled and very unhappy. i know someone, who i feel should have gone out into the world and seen for themselves how hard it really is, how lucky they are to have that person in their lives.

i went running to alot of the wrong people for answers that i couldn't find and for reassurance that i just wasnt able to give myself. i dont know if i can still do that, but i know now that the most important part of my life, is not onlyto be in a fun-loving relationship with a great guy-but to also have that relationship with myself.

like it says on my wall, i dont know where im going.....but im on my way:)

je ne regrette rien....

When you fail, read this.....

2008-08-06T10:49:00.002-04:00

hey shaila,

this is a letter to you. yes, you have studied hard for the macro qualifier. you actually did the best that you could do under the circumstances. considering that you had initially not intended to come back to chapel hill and finish the course, is an achievement in itself. yes you started late, and totally hated everything. once again, you were alone, in an apartment, in a lonely country and you used to spend hours with yourself, contemplating if this is the life that you really want.

at the end of the day, it is the fear of failure that drives you to make excuses for yourself. that prevents me from till today accepting that i wanted to do the phd and write a fantastic macro dissertation on endogenous growth theory. and i was so blinded by the goal that i forgot to enjoy the ride.

what about this ride that i keep talking about? its the ride of life, its not where you get, but how you get there. we are all going to the same place essentially-death. at the end of the day, we are all going to die and thats that. i am not thinking about death, but just about the important lessons in life. how did i live? did i give up too easily, did i try to always put myself in a comfortable position so that i would never face failure ever?

yes, and i stopped it. in fact the last one year has seen me grow in leaps and bounds. there were many times that i wanted to give up, and i actually have been quite depressed about it and in a quandary. am i genuinely unhappy in this place? or is it that i am out of my comfort zone and that is why i am unhappy. i left india to get a good education, and that is exactly what i have got. yes, i prob didn't choose the easiest paths to achieve it, but i did it nonetheless. look at the things that i can do now, the things that i know. a year ago, i would have never imagined that i would able to do it, but here i am. and i am proud of it. what will change between today and tomorrow, probably nothing.

i may completely screw up the exam by getting stuck and taking too much time on one question, then come back home, and think clearly and go.."shit i knew that!"

i may come back totally disappointed because i thought i knew my stuff...and i am really way behind what this place expects from me. and i would have done badly.

i may be estatic that i have done exceptionally well, only to realize that i have failed after one week. remember, in this case i deserve a mourning period for sure.

either way, whatever the outcome, whether its nerves or something else, be happy that you did your best. there is nothing more in macro that you could have done. and that at the end of the day is what counts. pray to balaji, he has a plan for you.

yes its the first time that you have failed at something, and it has come late. i wish i had failed at something before to prepare me for it. but the good thing is, after tasting failure now, you will know what it feels like. remember JNU? that not working out turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to you.

chin up shaila, face the world and know that you did your best. and if it doesn't work out, you should cry, and you should be upset. for a few days, then get back on your feet. because that is life.. it keeps rolling on......

Cultish behaviours and life lessons

2008-07-27T16:40:00.003-04:00

As i pondered over some meandering thoughts on this lazy sunday, i decided to do my favourite past-time on the internet-googling "leaving grad school". its always fun to know that you are not alone in the world, i remember having so much fun reading "Snapshots from hell" so many indian students i met, tell me, " how tough can it really be?" i have never been to engineering, and so i dont know what level of toughness is exhibited there, but yeah, working 60 hours a week can be exhausting. and its not just working, its studying 60 hours a week.

anyway i came across this interesting article that described grad school in humanities as a cult. i dont think many people realize just how cultish grad school really is. read on:

Behavior control: "major time commitment required for indoctrination sessions and group rituals"; "need to ask permission for major decisions"; "need to report thoughts, feelings, and activities to superiors."
Information control: "access to non-cult sources of information minimized or discouraged (keep members so busy they don't have time to think)" and "extensive use of cult-generated information (newsletters, magazines, journals, audio tapes, videotapes, etc.)."
Thought control: "need to internalize the group's doctrine as 'Truth' (black and white thinking; good vs. evil; us vs. them, inside vs. outside)" and "no critical questions about leader, doctrine, or policy seen as legitimate."
Emotional control: "excessive use of guilt (identity guilt: not living up to your potential; social guilt; historical guilt)"; "phobia indoctrination (irrational fears of ever leaving the group or even questioning the leader's authority; cannot visualize a positive, fulfilled future without being in the group; shunning of leave takers; never a legitimate reason to leave"; and "from the group's perspective, people who leave are 'weak,' 'undisciplined.'"

I was blown away! not only could i recognize my program in this, i could also recognize AIESEC in this. even there, it was just driven by a very small segments inane love for the organization that made everyone else feel worse off if they werent a part of it. agreed it gave me alot, alot of friends, alot of lovely experiences, just like grad school. well, not lovely experiences, but alot of experiences nonetheless. but they do it, in the same way. AIESEC's selection procedure, just like grad school, was intense. we had to go through a series of rounds, tests, by seniors in the field. and when we got the acceptance call from them, we were elated. i even remember the two women that i spoke to, and literally its the moments that change your life.

once you get intiated into them, you meet everyone else gingerly. at first everyone is shy, and everyone is sizing up everyone else. its something new and exciting that you feel "priveledged" to be a part off. then its alot of euphoria intially that you have made it, and you feel a deep sense of superiority over everyone else-like this is definitive-that what you do is the best thing and what everyone else does is crap.

of course, then the real work starts. the bitching, the complaining, the long hours. what hurts the most, atleast for me, was the disillusionment. like Alanis said, i should thank it, and eventually will. for now though, it stays. you think that you came to be best friends and ended up being bitter enemies instead. that kind of complete role-reversal can be damaging to a person. i feel like i married someone and after the wedding, they have completely changed and become a horrible person that i no longer wish to be with.

i hope this is not reflective of my personality. it is true that i bail out of tough situations pretty quickly. i left @ very soon, instead of sticking it out for longer, i may have learnt more about leadership, how to work in a team with people who you did not necessarily like, how to take orders from people who were not necessarily smarter than you and how to deal with dynamics and complicated friendships.

but i know that things are slowly changing. for one thing, i no longer fear people who are smarter than me, especially women. i embrace their intelligence, and in grad school, instead of fearing them, hating them, i enjoy them and applaud them for being so smart. i am not afraid to ask for help, and not ashamed to do so. i realized now, that aksing for help is not a sign of weakness, but a positive step that you want to learn and you want to grow. i genuinely wanted to learn and grow. i no longer view women as the enemy, over the years, more than anything, my female friends have been my source of support.

do i hate men? men would have to include my dad, my brother-in-laws, my uncles and some other wonderful men that i have met. so i cant. i think with three billion of them, its horrible to stereotype. but to sound metaphorical, i am going to drop the tonnes of weight that is slowing my journey through this life. the good thing, the way i deal with the myriad emotions, is by telling myself that its not worth it. simply put. also i read what this man had said about women, it put so many things in perspective. he said " Female insecurity is a gift that keeps on giving"

So does that mean i wish i had not joined @, or grad school. i don't know. a part of me wishes not, a part of me wishes that i could sail through life smoothly without any rough waters. but the most important things that we learn about life are in the bad times, not the good. they reveal who we truly are.

who am i? i dont know. i recently saw Randy Pausch's last lecture, in which he described his theory qualifier as the second most painful thing in his life, after Chemo.

but the most important i have to realize, and maybe that goes through for life in general-its not about learning about how to get a quick match(@ lingo for finding a good volunteer for your work place), solving a CIA model, or solving a game, analyzing peoples responses to future taxation-its about what i learnt about life-that life that i am living and breathing every single day. when i take my last breath, i wont remember all of this stuff. i will only be left with memories of the people i saw, the places i went, the lessons i learnt. i guess i don't want to tell my children to give up the first sign of trouble, and bail out when the going gets tough. i want them to fight it out.

in the context i am talking about i tried, but i do believe that i am human, and the circumstances were just not conducive this time. but there is always next time, and i will prevail. the most exciting part about this, is that i get to learn something new everyday. so i am going to stop blogging, have a nice warm shower and learn something new. who knows what benefits it will render me? maybe not in the immediate future-but i have faith that it will definitely teach me something down the road of life.

the pursuit of happiness

2008-07-18T14:39:00.002-04:00

it was the second day in a row, and i was not planning on getting out of bed again. i couldn't face the world again, and the gazillion disappointments that faced me. i got up yest at 5 pm, and then was awake till 9 am. i don't know what kind of sleep schedule that is. i also found out i lost 5 pounds and that i look visibly think from a month ago! if you compare my NC state ID, i look fat in that.

its all coming back to me again. and i know i am going to blank out again in the quals. i had heart-attacks and barely managed to get through each midterm. now i have to combine 8 midterms and four finals in two exams. there are many days in which i was like fuck-it, i dont care, many days i studied and did care. but i am emotionally exhausted from last year. my friend tells me that my whole approach last year was very unhealthy, and that might explain my burnout+lack of interest.

many people tell me, ill regret this, the work place sucks blah blah. hahaha i met a friend who told me, ohh the work place sucks, people get fired, and you have to work everyday and do the same thing everyday blah blah.

haha

tell that to 7 people who got kicked out, the 14 weekends in a row that i studied, in addition to weekdays and actually once, bef an exam, i imagined tasting blood! some people tell me that life is tough, get over it. i had a wise person tell me that the same things happen to the same people but affect them differently. people have been preachy to a point where they know exactly whats good for me and what makes me happy. its annoying. at the end of the day, only I will know what makes me happy. sometimes, no matter how good people think you have it, it may be the worst thing for you.

so today i am going to list things that made me feel happy.

1. viets video, it made me happy, it didnt make me sad, cuz i felt that life is much bigger than what people around me have reduced it to.

2. the ye ishq song from jab we met. lovely

3. walking by myself everyday at Bolin Creek and listening to the Amelie soundtrack

(notice no groundbreaking understanding of Fischer's equation or determining Nash's equilibrium)

4. realizing that my life's purpose is not to be a caged animal but to be a free bird. that is not physically, but psychologically. a friend of mine told me, that i could leave anytime i wanted to. and that fact itself made me feel so much better. its strange.

i will get back to the happiness entry.

check out http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2007/02/in_which_i_lear.html

i loved it. once i learn how to add blogs that i read, i will stick it on the side.

so to the void, i shout out....im not there yet, but im getting there.....i will get there...i should get there, not anytime soon, though...you get the drift:)

strange dream

2008-07-16T22:52:00.003-04:00

yesterday, i was supposed to meet a friend of mine for lunch. i was studying endogenous growth theory again for the upteenth time and i slept late. i knew that i had to wake up early to meet him, but i was having dreams about being late. i had this dream that i had a boyfriend, who actually was an old friend of mine. anyway, we were being the couple, as in nothing physical or exciting, just the fact that i knew he belonged to me and i to him. anyway i was bugging him about not being late for the bus. we were down at sterling water tank, and the bus stop was the up hill univ gardens ones. i remember walking uphill, in jeans and nice shirt but looking down and walking barefeet on the pavement. its so strange. then i went to a friends house to borrow oshos. we missed the bus for some reason, and i was angry with my boyfriend. literally, the man of my dreams. i take the elevator in sterling to go to my house, but the strangest thing happens...the elevator doesnt stop at the 5th floor but keeps on going to houses i have never been to. and the topmost, is the eeriest house, where i am in the lift, i see the inner door of that house open, and i can sense some ghastly presence in it. i quickly press the button to go back down and i see "him" wearing an orange shirt. he then gets into the lift somehow and tries to pacify me, i am angry at him because he and i think, deliberately made me miss the A bus.

i got up and found out my friend was already at lunch. fine. today i wear the most amazing looking pair of sandals from colaba that pinch like anything. i am so pissed off about it, that while coming back after meeting a friend, towards the end of my walk, i take my shoes off. there i am-barefeet, in jeans, on a pavement and i see the bus stop-it was so freaky, like i had predicted it somehow. i dont believe in freaky incidents, but i think this is pretty freaky.

i still hate this place. i wonder if bollywood nite would help. the good thing i have learnt here is to have no ego. i have no ego watsoever. i dont care about people, places, labels anything. i only pray i get out of this place in one piece, with my mental sanity intact. i dont care about anyone else, about satisfying other peoples egos..blah blah. at the end of the day, i have to live with myself alone, and now i am not happy with the way things are going. i have the ability to change it. look at my engineering decision? at the end of the day, i dont regret it at all. here i am still with an MS degree, and an MA already, ready to tackle on the world. i dont have mouths to feed, luckily and i am sure there are people dumber than me out there with jobs.

lets see....

Home

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,

And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old.
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

Chris Daughtry

whats the point?

2008-07-14T23:15:00.002-04:00

right now, i am in the process of gaining knowledge on a very complicated subject-endogenous growth theory. i did not understand it that well when it was done in class. now of course i am having multiple aha-moments. my problem with these aha-moments, is that i feel either its good that i get them now, or i feel bad that why the hell didn't i get them when he did it in class?

i honestly have no freaking clue how i passed my first year. i think i was totally unconscious in the first sem and semi-conscious in the second sem. my summer was wasted away too in deep depression of coming back to this hell hole, and now i have to suffer my way to pretending that i actually get stuff. i dont know if i actually get stuff or i am lying to myself and the whole world, including UNC! god those undergrads are gonna be like, how the hell did she get here? rest assured those will be my sentiments exactly.

but you know, the world cannot be comprised only of geniuses. i read an article on the NYT recently that said that the most successful people were ones who actually believed that talent and ability can be honed, rather than be innately possessed. this made me feel alot better. the only innate talents that i have are talking peoples ears off and an insurmountable ability to remember inconsequential details about many myriad things. today i was walking in bolin creek and was listening to Led Zeppelin's moby dick. i loved that song, and for some reason a wave of sadness just enveloped me like never before....

i liked the person who i was in Bombay. kind of flaky, happy-go-lucky, loved classic rock and was generally amiable and social. somehow, i always craved for something bigger, something better. i always had this nagging feeling that bigger things were in store for me. i mistakingly assumed that bigger and better did not automatically translate to happier. i did indeed feel that i was being wasted in Bom univ, but here i feel like a waste. like people are laughing at me and are wondering how did someone so dumb and unprepared get in. i know its not fair on myself, but i feel very inadequate here. i have been trying to belong forever now, the only image i have in my head is walking into the exam room for quals and going blank. please god, i pray that at least i remember the easy stuff!

i dont want to give these blasted exams, goddamit! i dont think that life has got some personal vendetta against me or something. so from now on, ill stop treating them like they are horrific( they are) and instead focus on those parts of my life where i learnt the most about people and about life itself. it was the tough times, the ones that really tested me and made me see what i was made of, i made it through some really tough times. and im here, living in an amazing house, in an amazing neighbourhood that i could never imagine i would live in, taking walks around nature and enjoying solitude.

i dont get it, im sure ill find posts where i have craved for solitude. now i have it, loads of it, in abundandt supply, anytime, anywhere. yes, the more i know, the less i know, and now the more i know in economics, the less i care!

Against body clock

2008-07-14T01:21:00.005-04:00

its 1:21 am, i am listening to the Amelie soundtrack. i am wide awake, information is flowing into my brain smoothly and i feel like i can comprehend things in one hour what i would mull over for five.

my name is Shaila and i am an Owl. i think i knew i was one, during my 12std board exams, when i would study every night till 1 am. the best time for me to study was from 11 pm till 1 am. everything went smoothly into my head. well, i think ill give up getting a routine and instead focus on just getting information into my head, anytime, anywhere, anyhow....

i had a really nice time yesterday with my classmates, they all came over and we had a lovely evening playing a board game. i have set up more visits with humankind this week. i cannot stand the social isolation that this genre of studying renders oneself. i think i am better off doing something that involves interacting with people.

i always wanted to become a publicist. i think becoming a celebrity publicist would be a blast! i would get to hob nob with all these famous people. i would also be glamorous myself, if i have to accompany them on the red carpet. get to attend all the glamorous parties and know inside details and gossip before everyone else does...sigh.....

i can afford this kind of shallow reasoning, because i just tackled something very complicated. i try to see it as ying and yang. but being a celebrity publicist would be fun. well, id also have to constantly issue statements to the press denying/accepting things, blah blah. hmmm....

am in a very Parisien state of mind. listening to Amelie, speaking french in my head, imagining walking along the Seine, and taking a stroll and discovering the hidden gardens of paris.

well basically i wish i was anywhere but here. but i am looking forward to the week ahead-meeting new and old aquantainces, being more regular, getting information into my head, and getting rid of this formality that had the possibility of driving me to hospitals...

sleep rehab

2008-07-11T12:53:00.002-04:00

i fell of the wagon- i got up late today:( i got up at 11:30 but i dont know why? i slept at about 1 am and if i needed 8 hours of sleep, i should have gotten up at 9 am. why the extra two hours? good thing is that i am not feeling lethargic, but i am actually feeling fresh. once i go for a walk, after some time i will feel alot better.

everyone knows whats best for me. they analyze the reasons of why i dont want to do the Phd. they all think that i am smart enough, that anyone for that matter of fact is smart enough to do it, but its only about drive and enthusiasm and blah blah. everyone is psycho-analyzing me and it gets on my nerves. now everyone will say that i could have done it if i only tried. but what if i dont want this in the first place? then they say when you go out and see the job market, it sucks there as well. so your better off here, in grad school hell, feeling like a schmuck, and making a fool of yourselves on a daily basis.

i hate this life, i want to go out there, meet different kinds of people, enjoy life, enjoy nature and generally go out on friday nites, have some drinks. shallow right? as opposed to sticking in this hell hole, coming up with some brilliant research no one will read, getting a job in america and driving to walmart every week to buy groceries...scintillating.

i am lonely, thats the honest to god truth. i am going through life without any solid aim. the only people who really give a flying fuck about my existence on this planet are my family and some few precious friends. hmm...maybe one or two. but thats a good thing. some people dont even have that. is this again me rambling on about getting a bf? not really, but i need a companion. someone who i can talk to everyday about my inane notions of life, someone who can go with me once in a while to Franklin street and have some ben and jerrys ice cream with, someone who i can lean on and say, oh my god, i have had the most terrible day. i think i have become like the typical phd people, isolationist, anti-social and it scares the freakin day-lights out of me.

im confused, everyone seems to be telling me what to do, and what to think, and what to feel. analyzing my emotional state of mind. also i dont seem to be in anyones core group here. i feel like an apendix, just floating into other peoples friends and other peoples lives. i miss my core, you know, friends that i can call my own, that i have every right to be myself with and not apologize for who i am.

i hate UNC, i hated bom univ and i hated AIMS. i only loved xavier's. i think i have to look deeply into this matter..maybe i just loathe myself. i dunnooo..

i will still battle on to wake up early, i think that 7 is too ambitious. after all, waking up at 11:30 was not so bad as waking up at 1 pm. so tom, i will set a realistic target of waking up at 8 am.
lets see how that goes.

ill get back to this blog soon...

New sleep schedule

2008-07-10T19:45:00.002-04:00

i woke up today at 6am initally. but it was impossible to get up, so i just went back to sleep. there was a moment when i was like, fuck it all, lets just wake up at noon and go though the whole charade again. and then, i anticipated the oncoming lethargy of the day, i thought to myself, no way. i am actually glad that U-Haul did that to me, i could not get sleep, having nightmares that i would be charged forever for this stupid van. i hope to get my money back by this weekend. anyway, that shook me up and here i am, mindful and present.

i also decided that studying for quals might not be such a bad idea, as even though i will fail, atleast i am learning alot. today i learnt definions of continuity that Vijay has been doing forever, but i didnt really get it till today. i finally got it. and now am actually excited for working more. see i think that this is the direct outcome of getting up early. i need to read this blog and remind myself that chronic late-risers like me cant let go of this during the weekends and holidays. its like rehab, and its ok if you slip up sometimes. but when you are intially trying it, you need to know that you can get up all the time. or be sober all the time.

speaking of sober, i have really changed my attitude towards alcohol. but i do miss going out on friday nites and grabbing some beers. i have no one i can do that with in this god-forsaken-forest laden-khaki-polo wearing-healthy-middle-of-nowhere town. i guess thats because alot of people are older than me and thats why they dont have the inclination to hang out with me. but i am a normal, ok semi-normal 23 year old, what am i supposed to be doing at this age anyway? arent i supposed to be going out, having a blast, enjoying my youth. to be fair, i did do alot of that in undergrad.

hmmmm....i think i just had an aha-moment. i escaped engineering in undergrad because i thought that i wanted to enjoy it and have a good time. i did, but look at where that got me. wait a sec here, but maybe i just did not like engineering. i obviously like, dare i say, love economics. and even though i had a good time, i also did tons of academics....im confused. i am falling into the engineering being the be-all and end-all of like trap myself, like so many others.

chances of meeting anyone remotely interested in me are also slim. thought that maybe, if the professional scene sucks, i could marry rich and still manage to live in a mansion on long island. well, firstly, my dreams are not that shallow, i actually just want to be happy. and secondly, i have no fucking clue where women land rich NRIs. i would go to that place right now! i dont think such a place exists, rich NRIs definately do, but maybe they marry their fellow abcds and considering they have so many of those confused cross cultural stuff to deal with, makes sense they bore each other to death about the dichotomy of their american upbringing and indian heritage. honestly, im glad im not an abcd, im a issue-laden person as it is. throw in cross country upbrigings, confused social norms and sense of disconnect from parents- i would have been in therapy a long time ago. i see "them"...i refer to them like they are some other species, i see them sometimes, they honestly have their own thing going on.

but i am so starved for indian company, i feel that i will go up to any indian, guy or girl and start talking to them. i saw a lady in a salwar kammez with her husband and son, i felt like hugging her. all these indian moms come here and remind me of my own mom and i miss her and dad terribly.

heres to any indian who sees a hapless student go in and out of Davis library-please say hi and convince me that there is a life out there.

ohh i get to look forward to the torturous semester ahead, where i have to teach. heaven please have mercy ......

Back to Black

2008-07-09T20:41:00.001-04:00

how long has it been?

almost one year.

i am on a new sleep schedule and i will document changes to my life style on the blog. not that anyone reads it anyway, like i have said before, its a good time capsule. i hope that the goals of writing again regularly, is to see me through a masters degree atleast, not worry too much about failing the qualifiers, and try my darn hardest not to make an ass out of myself this year while teaching.

i woke up today early and am fighting sleep right now. i think i will read salai-i-martin again for some time. i just remember waking up without an alarm clock during the spring semester. but how i let go of all that hard work in just a few days. i couldnt help it though, i had been through a living hell. i still continue to live in this hell. more than anything i am totally irritated.

the reasons for me applying for a Phd in econ are very simple-absolute ignorance. i had no fucking clue it would be like this. man, i dont even know how to start. i guess my best bet for this blog would be a catharsis of sorts, every morning, wake up and start to relate what my life has been, is, and will continue to be for the next year at least. lest i say that i am exhausted, frustrated and disappointed. i know this is the exam that i am supposed to be at my best-the one that i have supposedly trained myself for the past so many years. but i have badly burnt out. i think i burnt out so badly, that i actually felt that i had lost the ability to do even simple economics. i totally get it now, when i heard a story about someone who quit grad school and became a forest ranger!!! i would so do that-of course, not become a forest ranger-maybe an accessories manager type person, you know, Kate Middleton`s job before she decided to finally quit it and follow her BF all over the polo-place.

so i will leave the post for now, tomorrow morning, i will wake up by 6:30 and give an account of the time from the time i landed till math camp. i remember everything...certain details of course will be omitted to protect people`s identities ( hahahaha!)

till then, ill get back to trying to understand differential equations. btw, my inspiration to start again was because of all the help that i had got from reading other peoples blogs. their advice on so many tips have helped me so much. i hope that touching on whats its like to be in grad school hell will help someone in the future.

i know you-surfing the web late at night, dreading tomorrows class and what mathematical horrors microeconomics will spring on you. i was there, and i will continue to be there, till i can successfully wiggle my way out of this abyss and get back to decent living with sane people. if you are reading this blog, and are like me - a fairly unstable, social, above average intelligent sort of girl, who likes to study in the week and catch movies and drinks on weekends....then be careful of grad school. it has the potential of sucking everything positive out of you-like dementors.

read on and be posted. i will present the horror that was and continues to be ...Econ grad school....

Sparky my love

2007-03-06T12:41:00.001-05:00

The Spark has gone from my life

A few years ago, a feeble puppy came to my building and like all appealing cute stray dog puppies, convinced me to feed him some buscuits. Usually these puppies go elsewhere to other unsuspecting and vulnerable dog lovers. This one stuck on. He always wagged his tale, always and was the only one who was hapy to see me. For 4 years he became an integral part of my life. I embraced him whole heartedly and as I did not have a pet, or rather was not allowed to keep one, it was a convenient arragement to keep him in the buliding. My building is so crappy and is a sort of free for all path. So he would protect it thouroughly at night and sleep in the sun the whole day, digging his own cozy hole in the middle of the compound. He had to endure many insults for he refused to move when cars came by. It had its reprecussions once when in Jan 2006, an Innova ran over his leg. For the rest of my life, I will forever hate that Innova model. Its too big for our indian roads. Me and guddu ( his aunt and his mom resp) took him to the hospital where he stayed for a long time and worked up a huge bill. But he came back alright. He went again to the hospital recently for an abdominal swelling. What i loved bout life itself was uninhabited joy-that was sparky when he used to come back from a long stint in the hospital and run around the enitre compound because he felt that the place belonged to him only. He used to always sit over the tank and observe the goings on. And from that vantage point he would bark at unsuspecting strangers. He made so many friends that when i used to walk on the street, and he would follow me, strangers would go ..."sparky sparky come here !"

He was a peaceful dog with adults, but with other dogs he was quite ferocious. He was like one of the gangsters in the goodfellas....family first and would deal with the rest of the dogs in a harsh manner. He would often get into fights with other dogs to prove his strength. I would take him to the vet for his wounds. My aunt would reprimand him for his foolishness but she would get only copper coloured blank eyes...

Those eyes were red today, blood shot red. He had fits and was frothing like an cocaine OD victim. I knew he was gone in the morning but hope floated before the vet came and decided he was good to go. What i never understood was the hastiness in everyone in putting him to sleep. Yes he had rabies, but everyone was like, "did u touch him, did u touch him?" and I would think bout poor sparky following me when i would go outside and beseeching me to buy him some buiscuits. He loved me and I loved him. and in this life we all love so little, that the little we love becomes so precious in our lives. We cant love everyone with the same degree of intensity and with that we cant feel the same intensity of sorrow as we feel for the ones we have truly loved.

I loved him-the real meaning of the word love. Unconditional, perennial, non-questioned, unbridled. I loved him like a human being and I swore to him that i would fetch him from the gallows of death whenever he ventured there. Alas, I couldnt this time. And i feel so guitly because if i had known that he was going to die, I would have fed him his parle G buscuits one last time and I would have ordered tandoori chicken from ROC for him one last time. I was supposed to take him to the vet this evening. He was supposed to be sleeping on the tank sleepy with the medecines that the doctor would have given him.

But sometimes what is supposed to happen doesnt' Its not supposed to be this way. But it is, and the truth hurts and death once again knocks on my door. do i stop to love, do i finally belive in better to have loved and lost blah blah....I do. If sparky wasnt in my life, I would have never gotten to know all his amazing qualities, his regal posture, his ownership of the building compound and his love for me.

I would have gone to the hospital again this time sparky...why didnt u let me save you once again?

That one i have to ask God.

2006-10-24T11:58:00.000-04:00

am back to annoy the hell out of myself!

hoestly i think this blog is like the best time-capsule to have! unless the internet suddenly goes bust one day! here i am, listening to "promiscious" by nelly again! i must have heard that song a gazillion times! other songs i kept on hearing alot in a span of few days:

1. all these things that i have done-the killers
2. don't cha-the pussycat dolls
3. seven nation army-the white stripes
4. hips dont lie-shakira

ill add more to the list. spent the whole afternoon uselessly watching the VMAs. it was such a waste of time. now the us awar shows are trying to promote lesser know ppl, cuz the well-known ones have loads of moeny i guess. as a result, shakira's "hips dont lie" didnt win vidoe of the year. some useless band called "panic! at the disco" won. and oh my god, when i saw jared leto, i was shocked. he is like such a rockstar now. i mean i thought where is pretty boy jared leto with his oh so cool blond jock type looks. and when he actually came with amy lee, i was so taken aback. he's not the high school type jock that i thought he was.

neways ill write some more crap later on.

2006-09-10T08:36:00.000-04:00

Not scoring "brownie" points

hmmm....tremendous sense of relief i feel now after giving my gre and toefl. i dont know if neone has neidea how tough giving these two exams are...tho the toefl is easy, being tied to a chair for 4 hrs is not my cup of tea. and the mere ceremony and formality of it all is finally over! and now i am sorta free! but going thru the whole process of apps is still left. but i have to now enjoy this year.

also smthing new is that i am on a tight budget. and i was short of cash and literally from the heavens, my cousin pavi, sent me money...i think she must have seen me go to the church on tuesday at Stanisclaus, Bandra. i resolve to go to that church more often. i wish that siddhivinayak was not so crowded. in these times of uncertainty in my life, these places of worship are seen as such a refuge for me. i wish i could go to sm lonely country-side and reflect, but in bom, rubbing shoulders with 15 million ppl aint cutting it. and so i went to the Sundernagar temple for a while and that was nice. now its good to go to this church. the sense of serenity and calmness that ehcoes from the walls is smthing that i need. and its not bout which god that u pray to that matters. i guess i felt this sense of gulit ...like i was being unfaithful to my beloved Tirupathi Balaji, but the more i get older, the more i relaize that its all the same.

and smhow, spirituality didnt seem to cut it. i remember watching the bizzare video of Martymandir, Aurovilee and thinking to myself..what baloney. and seriously, i mean i guess i am a religious person, because i acknowledge that not everything is in my hands and spirituality seems to suggest. and the best part is..i get to drink coke!!!

i was in the bus the other day ( man i take the bus now!), and thinking bout how patriotic i feel when i listen to "rang de basanti" and i started missing India like nething already. i was very apprehensive at the sense of insecurity that a brown person now has to face in the world. but i keep remembering the quality of eductaion that i am recieving here...and i quickly begin to relaize that it is a price worth paying for my dreams and aspirations...guiding some countries ( not mine..cuz my natiion is filled with pompous economists from delhi who wont give me the time of day...unless i knew smone who knew smone who mite be vaguly related to the janitor of the prime miniters driver...you get it)

so well, pompous economists, bad undergrad eco syllabus for bom univ, no Ir due to reservation and scrwe up in international relations paper, non-recognition of my drive and enthusiasm...

i need to leave...if i stay here in this system ne longer, my brain will rot...

bring on the racism....its the price i have to pay for being unwanted in my own country.

2006-07-01T06:24:00.000-04:00

its been a while

in order to report some progress on this blog of mine, must note that have:

1. Successfully stopped watching E! news
2. Give a GRE exam-a torturous experience i would not bestow on my worst enemy
3. Gotten 10 more paranoid about my life
4. Came to the conclusion that i need therapy

part of the fun of writing in this blog is that no one really reads it. and its a good thing because i can ramble on and on and no one cares except for me. thats the beauty of writing-its a v.selfish act because you are just putting your feelings and emotions out there and you know what-no one really cares about ur piddly-diddly probs except yourself. and thats a good realization.

Its been exaclty one year since i started my blog. and it has turned out to be quite tumultuous. the summarize the year, it has undoubtedly been the worst year of my life, professionaly, v.confusing personally but v.v.v.v.rewarding from an "aunt" point of view. couldnt get more direct than admiring my newphew who seems to get cuter by the day. but the more i love him, the more i am scared. i dont know ...i guess because i am overflowing with love.

Still havent recieved my international economics paper. i dotn really consider myself part of the university system. i dont know why, i have stopped caring about alot of things. and a huge part of my apathy stems from just being emotionally exhausting. no one told me the whole "relaize your dreams" scenario was fruaght with so much exhaustion, so much uncertainty. i am emotionally drained from the gre itself, and i am not even half way there. everyone also always told you that hey follow your dreams, you can do it. part of my raving and ranting from last years JNU debacle is due to the fact that i dont think i can afford a IR degree elsewhere. i just cant see myself speding 10-15 lakhs of my Dads hard earned money on the desire to be like Lyce Ducet. thats why it hurt me so much, it was my last chance an doing IR. but never say never right. i am so disgusted with everyone telling you that al you need to do is dream, the rest will follow...how?

i am extremely practical now. i have been burnt too many times before. i fear that to an extent i have become dead inside. i dont feel hurt, pain, agony, joy, pure, unmitigated joy. i will only feel a sense of disappointement, for this sentiment has plagued me for the last 4 years. alot of my apathy also stems from alot of unvented anger. i need to vent and have a fight or smthing i guess.. i actually need to get out of the city. will be going to ponicherry soon. c'est bein parce que je pouvais y pratiquer mon francaise.

well, its good to know that after one year, im still where i started-angry, depressed, sad and pissed off that i cant get on that flight sooner and it feels even longer now than it did last year.

how bizzare...

2006-04-24T16:28:00.000-04:00

I Dont Wanna be a Stupid Girl

i have no fucking clue why i watch E! news. i cant stand the show, even "fabulous life" and the ALL access VH1 shows all the time. but i still watch it. and for some reason, in the middle of my so boring and inconsequential life, i was worried for Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan, i really felt bad that they felt the pressures of Hollywood were getting too much and they had to diet. i felt bad oh so bad for poor Jennifer Aniston, who i must ( honestly) admit has brought me so much delight everynite at 7 pm on Star world. and i wonder also if Charlie Sheen ever cheated on Denise richards, i mean why else would she leave him while she was 8 months pregrant! and the list goes on. i have lived through two Bennifers, Tomkat, Brangelina, Vaughniston and dont know how many more are yet to come. and i seriously wonder, how much can i take. that i am sitting with my family watching a news channel, Headlines today and the bar goes like " Eva Longoria doesnt mind playing revealing characters because she wants to do it before she loses her sex appeal" or that " Madonna had a lesiban relationship with the same woman that Angelina had"

For crying out loud.....really loud....

and honestly, i have been sapping it up-every word, every trend, every beak-up, every on-again, off-again relationship, baby names, ridiculous baby names, which i think is just to put the world off. i think that gweneth paltrow and her hubby chris martin ( i loved u man before u went to the other side, what happened to protecting subsidies of vulnerable african economies mate!) call their children like sarah and john in real life, instead of apple and moses. and that stupid Kat Jiantis, she just keeps on feeding me with more gossip that i can handle. more designer bags, more luxury houses, more more more....and its all so bloody rich. there is this layer of rich and vacant people the world over who seem to be just 1% of the population and occupy almost 20% of news space. even this has seeped into the Indian media where now our Bollywood stars have just become out of control. their every move is beging tracked, when they broke a finger nail, who is Ash dating, who is sleeping with who and not to mention which model is Abhishek Bachchan seeing. and if neone wrongfully accuses me of plagarism, i get all this information from Bombay Times, Mumbai Mirror, Midday etc-the Kings of Convenience of both sides, id like to call them. while its celebrities on one side and media on the other, normal life is being pulled in the middle.

what is normal life?

1. normal life is not going to the gym
2. normal life is not getting your hair fried and dried every six months
3. normal life is not owning most of Oprah's Favourite things
4. normal life is not having aspirations to be like paris and nicole
5. normal life is having a pimple on your face and still going out
6. normal life is wearing boot-cuts even though Milan Fashion Week said they are so-yesterday
7. normal life is reading books-losta losta books-and just not because you can give some interview in some stupid supplement blabbering bout all the books you read
8. normal life is not hoping that someday you will own a pair of jimmy choos
9. normal life is cramming before finals
10. normal life is making mistakes and not being perfect
11. normal life is BBC not E!news. if you want fiction, Star World, Star Movies, HBO are always there
12. normal life is not always looking your best 24/7
13. normal life is definately not make-up
14. normal life is not about spending money, getting an ipod is not gonna make me happy. am miserable and i love it

and if neone seems to belive that what i have said above is totally fasle, they belong to a demographic that i dont and hence will not be affected by my views. why cant we all stop pretending to want to live these celebrity LA lives. especially living in India, its hard to talk on the new Nokia N-series in a ric with a 4 year old selling u a Midday.

kinda puts things into prespective doesnt it?

so please enough is enough. i am not some LA celebrity highroller who gets a massage for $2000 dollars at some "trendy" spa, or gets a table at the new "hotspot" sporting Balenciaga bag, big sunglasses and ponchos. i agree with Pink, i dont wanna be a stupid girl. so i am now gonna do something useful...

switch the channel...

juliana dippandi..i have had enough of you!

2006-04-17T09:37:00.000-04:00

what if i dont get to go

what if...all my dreams and aspirations and all what i have worked so bloody hard for go up in smoke. someone mitght as well beat me to pulp and leave me for dead. two hours of sleep and i get the most horrible exam. yeas i dotn expect them to hand me down a degree like candy. but i didnt expect them to just spew venom. and its like a challenge...its us v/s them. no scope for actually learning aobut the practical applications of our subject. where is the small class of ten discussin current topics with the professor over cups of coffee and weekly multiple choice tests that test our ability to understand rather than our ability to mug.

yet....

what if i dont get thru..and have to give it all over again. where did i go wrong? did i go wrong? is economics even the right subject for me? am i not the intelligent person that i thought i once was?what happened to me? and if they are trying to break our spirit, what do they hope to achieve from all of this? to prove a point? that they are not that predictable after all? then why be predictable for ten years and change now? am i just unlucky?

will i actually be leaving on a jet plane?

2006-03-27T09:59:00.000-05:00

Aretha rules

i simply lurve aretha franklin...her voice has the power to heal. i will always remember her song 'i say a lil prayer for u' i heard it when i went to the library to study. it was fun, i met some new people from the university. which i am now beginning to suspect may not be all that bad, considering i have to grit my teeth and go thru for just one more year. i dont have much confidence in a place where they are already convinced that we are a dumb lot. but the stuyding was fun, infact it was the long lunch and coffee/tea breaks that i took that were fun. it was with some people who were actually interesting and had some sort of substance to their personality. theres this one guy who looks totally lazy, but yeah apparently he likes to travel alot and be by himself. so that automatically qualifies him as an interesting person. the other one wore a t-shirt that said...the more i know bout men...the more i love my dog...hahahahaha! was thinking botu how sparky would def bite my hypothetical bf's toes off if i was caught not petting sparky. i mean this mutt almost bites my toes off for not petting him! he is such a sweetheart. years from now, i will be reading this blog with tears in my eyes thinking bout how much i miss sparky, and the way he was, at one point of time in my life. the only thing happy to see me and have me in his life. maybe he does that to everyone, but the fact remains, i clean his ticks and have saved his leg, he owes me his allegiance!

these four days were so much fun, i hope that i remember the feeling...it was a very warm feeling. like spring weather that we had for two weeks in march this year. just perfect. and i havent become a total non-social person, i actually like this whole thing about hanging out with random people (hahaha thinking bout Swingers club when wrote last sentence) but yeah and im sure they must think that i am the most bizzare person in the world hanging out with starngers. and taking them up on their offers of movies, treks, etc. frankly i am so bored ...i sang aretha franklin to a puppy yest..i have reached a new low.

reading english august and i know something for sure- i can never be like augustya, i can appreciate what he is talking bout. but unfortunately i recognize that agustya would in real life hate me. i am verbose, yelly, hopelessly curious and have trouble shutting-up. the funny thing is that i recognize it and realize that its ok that he would hate me. but i just cant kick my personality in the gutt. i decided a long time ago to accepy my annoyances which are numerous and embraced the yelly, overbearingness that i have. i am sure that some agustya-type people must have already laughed at me. but hey...

now i have to get bakc to my boring life which now, after reading english august, seems not as boring as it could have been. technology has been helping me along. even if there is no human contact.

but serioulsy... aretha does rule....